College football Week 1 grades: Minnesota fails after fireworks fiasco

It's that time again, folks.

Welcome to Year 4 of the Report Card, a not-so-serious look at the weekly absurdity and beauty that is college football.

The same thing goes as far as grading from last season: High marks will only be awarded for the spectacular, and failing grades have no chance of being reversed.

So, saddle up and join this fantastic voyage with USA TODAY Sports, ending with the national championship on Jan. 20 at Atlanta's Mercedes-Benz Stadium — concluding the first season of the 12-team playoff.

Here is the Week 1 analysis of how fans, teams, players, and coaches fared: 

College football is back in full swing

Enough said.

134 reasons to cheer: A+

Independence Day in September

Schools finding any excuse to use explosives during a college football game isn't usually news — until something goes wrong.

Thursday night's game between North Carolina and Minnesota in Minneapolis was a slog through three quarters, but with the Tar Heels leading 19-17, after Noah Burnette kicked the last of his four field goals — a 45-yarder with 1:44 remaining — the Gophers had a chance to win the game. Minnesota drove 46 yards in seven plays to set up a game-winning, 47-yard field goal attempt by Dragan Kesich, who missed from 27 yards earlier in the game. 

Kesich's kick went wide right as time expired, giving UNC the victory. Still, the game-ops crew at Huntington Bank Stadium must have thought they were in Chapel Hill, launching off fireworks in a display that tried its best to put the Macy's July 4 fireworks in New York to shame.

Next time, whoever is in control of the fireworks might want to wait until they see the officials near the goalpost raise both of their hands in the air instead of waving them from side to side.

Premature celebration: F

Maybe Brian Bosworth was right

At this point, the NCAA preventing anyone from doing anything makes no sense. It's still trying to maintain a “law and order” speck of relevancy for some unknown reason. The latest: the NCAA prevented Oklahoma State from wearing QR codes on its helmets this season … because … who knows?

“The NCAA interprets the stickers as advertising/commercial marks, which are not permitted," is the latest bit of nonsense the supposed governing body of college athletics came up with to stop a relatively harmless act.

So what do you call the Nike, Under Armour, Jordan Brand, and Adidas logos that are worn on jerseys and gear? Looks like advertising and commercial marks to anyone who has common sense. But this is the same organization that for decades didn't want athletes to make money off their name in the spirit of amateurism, knowing damn well they didn’t care if those “student-athletes” left with a diploma in their hands after leaving school.

Selective outrage: Expulsion; hopefully sooner than later

The worst and best of the rest

Patrick Mahomes: Back to school

So is Carson Wentz:

Interception of the year:

Next stop: Divorce court

Little Rock with big problems:

Fake punt that shouldn't have been faked:

How a punt should be executed:

Wind beneath my wings:

Stats for you

6 - Touchdowns for Boise State running back Ashton Jeanty against Georgia Southern. Jeanty had a school-record 267 yards on 20 carries in a 56-45 victory.

9 – Years of college football Miami tight end Cam McCormick has played. McCormick's only catch against Florida was a 9-yard touchdown.

59 – Matchups between FCS and FBS teams in Week 1.

124 – Combined snaps played by Colorado two-way star Travis Hunter vs. North Dakota State

304 - Receiving yards by Arizona wide receiver Tetairoa McMillan against New Mexico. McMillian caught 10 passes and scored four touchdowns in the 61-39 win.

449 – Listed weight of Florida defensive lineman Desmond Watson.

454 – Yards rushing by UCF in a 57-3 victory over New Hampshire.

$11,000,000 – Dabo Swinney’s base salary this season.

They said it

Former Alabama coach Nick Saban speaks the truth about Ohio State, which reportedly has a payroll of $20 million to pay its players via name, image, and likeness money.

"You guys keep talking about a $20 million roster. If you don't pay the right guys, you're (expletive) out of luck," Saban said.

Quite the discussion on TNT about defense:

Former NFL cornerback and Pro Football Hall of Famer Champ Bailey: “You know linebackers can’t cover”

Former NFL linebacker Takeo Spikes: “Hey, easy. Hold up!"

The Dog of the Week

Arkansas-Pine Bluff at Arkansas

Feast your eyes on these beauties:

Now, to the game:

As a reminder, this section is dedicated to the worst game of the week, whether it's due to the game being a blowout or because of the ineptitude of the teams involved. It's frequently a payday game to satisfy the favorite, an easy win in exchange for the money burning a hole in the athletic department's wallet.

This week's extension of spring practice led the pups to travel to Little Rock's War Memorial Stadium, where not only was the football expectantly bad, but there were also issues with the plumbing for those who had to cover the game (see above).

Any game in which both teams agree to shorten the game (in this case, 10-minute quarters at the start of the second half) — primarily done for football players' health, especially the ones on the losing end of a 70-0 tail-kicking like Pine Bluff was — is guaranteed to end up in this column. But also, there is no doubt that people had better things to do than spend three hours watching a sporting event that had no competitive reason to be played ... especially in 95-degree heat.

Arkansas' night of dominance is detailed by scoring touchdowns every time the Razorbacks touched the ball. They had 687 yards of offense and held the Golden Lions to 7 yards rushing. Adding insult to injury, Arkansas-Pine Bluff was also flagged for wearing black uniforms, part of a stupid "sufficient contrast" NCAA uniform rule. (For more on the NCAA's nonsense, see above.)

To include your pup in upcoming editions of the report card, please tweet to yours truly.